I bought 170 dollars worth of art supplies today.

I don’t know if this monster is covering his you-know-what or what he’s doing. Maybe he’s naked. Oh, I guess the heart suggests he’s also in love. So like…maybe he loves being naked.

I’ve decided that my theme for my screenprinting class is going to be monsters (inspired by miss Kakeda, of course). Actually…I feel like a lot of what I do in the near future is going to be monsters. I dunno, I guess I just got super inspired. I’d still like to work on my rendering and drawing the human figure too though.

Iiii don’t really have much else to say! OH! Actually, I should say that I’m selling one of the paintings I posted recently on ebay! Check it out!

Lastly, I’ve become obsessed with this webcomic recently; Nedroid.com. Freaking…love it. I leave you with a few of my faves:

Based on Zack’s drawing of the Kandy Krew as superheroes:

I love us as superheroes so freaking much. And the powers, as described in Zack’s recent vlogcandy video; Aubrey- Controls the weather, Andrew- Super stretchy, Me- Invisibility, Zack- Super Strength, Meghan- Healing and light magic abilities. I WISH THIS WERE REAL.

Now that I started school again, you’re going to see a lot more artwork. My classes are Digital Photography, Illustration, Animation, Digital video, and Printmaking. How awesome does all of that sound? I’ve only gone to my Digital Photography and Illustration class so far, so I hope the other three are just as exciting. Unfortunately although my Digital Photo professor has a plethora of knowledge to bestow upon us, most of my class uses point-and-shoot cameras. This means he’s going to be teaching them how to use SD cards when he could be teaching us about a billion other things. I think I’m gonna try to be friends with this guy. I could learn a whole lot from him.

I leave you with some artwork I’ve seen recently that I freaking love. My current favorite artist is Aya Kakeda. I saw something by her in my illustration class, and when I looked her up, surprise!; she’s totally in the whole urban toy scene which I am very familiar with. I’ve definitely seen her artwork, I just didn’t know who she was! Here’s some faves:

Also found out about Tim Biskup (also in the urban toy scene) and Sam Weber:

That is all!

First painting is another “The Boy” I don’t think I’ve posted before (it’s hanging in my room), and the second is something I painted yesterday of an Albino TTT aubrey bought me for my birthday last year. I’ll be selling the second one! I really wanna sell the first but I like it too much. I’m starting to like the second a lot too though…SIGH. There’s plenty of paintings in the sea.

I actually sold a bunch of my artwork recently (I didn’t expect to sell ALL of it, but my subscribers are amazing), and made enough money for over half of my plane ticket to oregon. I think I’m doing it. Zack’s 90% sure I’m going to do it. Which doesn’t make any sense since only I should really know the probability of me doing something, but sometimes my friends know me way better than I know myself it seems.

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I decided to become more serious about art recently, and I haven’t admitted it yet but I think it’s pretty obvious that it’s because of Zack. In the past 3 years, the only new thing I’ve learned about drawing was from Zack, not from my school, and that really said something to me. It made me realize that if I’m going to learn anything about drawing, it’s going to have to be something I seek out on my own.

And that’s why I’ve been so upset lately. I know I could be better at everything I do, but never in my entire life have I pushed myself further than I needed to…or at all, really. Almost anything I do is because I have to, not because I want to or know I should. I don’t NEED a job, technically. Nobody’s forcing me to get one. And I don’t NEED to be better at artwork. But I know my potential, and for so long I’ve been struggling with pushing myself. This entire month, not having school, I’ve been struggling with pushing myself. At school you’re forced to do work, or you fail. With weeks of free time I’ve just been stuck, wasting it away, knowing what I should be doing and knowing what I should be working on but just completely unable to make myself do it.

I guess some people don’t know what it feels like. Not as deeply as I do. They don’t know what it feels like to be two different people. Saying to yourself “I want to draw better. And I want to learn how to play an instrument. And speak a foreign language. And read more. And write more.  And I want to get a job.” and to complain and complain and then just sit there and not do anything about it. Feeling like you physically can’t. It seems so easy that it doesn’t even make sense to me. “I want something. I’ll go get it.” Durr-hurr. But no, it’s a struggle, and I don’t know why.

I feel like a terrible person sometimes because so often I see what my friends have accomplished and instead of feeling happy for them, I feel envious. Instead of thinking “Wow! You’re amazing!” I think “Wow. I wish I had your drive. I wish my art was as good. I wish I worked as hard.”  It’s disgusting. It makes me a bad friend.

But this morning for some reason, I guess because I was talking to Zack about art last night, this all connected in my head. Something SNAPPED, and I was losing it. I was angry at myself and I had enough. I laid in bed, not watching TV, not on my computer, not listening to music, not talking to anyone. I laid there and thought in complete silence. I soaked in my disgust. All of the disappointment. All of the confidence I lacked. I was looking right at it. And finally after wallowing in self-pity enough,  I got up…went downstairs…

and I drew a bunch of noses.

Yeah, I drew a bunch of noses. Noses have always been so hard for me to draw, so for the first time in years, I sat down and practiced drawing something so I could be better at it. I looked at photos. I looked at illustrations. And I drew a page full of mother effing noses.

And can you FREAKING believe it, I already feel more confident in my artwork. Or more optimistic, anyway. I sat back and said “Wow…these noses aint half bad. Wow. I feel like I’m at least a teeny bit better at drawing noses now. Imagine if I practiced drawing all the time…imagine how much better I could be in just a year. Imagine how much better I could be in 5…”

I’m feelin it now. I’m feeling that drive. Good god I hope it doesn’t go away, because I need it. I love it. Now I just want to draw and never stop, and I know that the problem hasn’t been completely solved. It’s still going to be a struggle, but something happened. Something changed. And that’s progress… progress I’ve never made before

I feel like it’s the most genuine and kindhearted people who get fingers pointed at them the most.

I see it all the time on youtube, and now in real life. When you’re nothing but kind, people want to find a reason to hate you. They’ll take your words and twist them around. They’ll make assumptions about ulterior motives. They’ll pick you apart, piece by piece, searching for something, anything. They’ll hate you so much that they’ll find any way they can to justify their feelings. At least if you are a terrible person and you get fingers pointed at you, it’s for the right reasons.

It happens all the time with Vlogcandy. We show up the last day of a gathering, assuming nobody really wanted to see us to begin with, and word spreads that Vlogcandy thinks they’re too good for youtube. People want us to be horrible, but we aren’t, and never will be.

I make it a point to not say a word about someone who I’m not friends with anymore. To act my age, and not be spiteful. To do what I think is right, and not badmouth somebody who used to be my best friend. And it all comes crashing down on me. Some people expect their best friends to be disgusting on the inside. They see it as human nature. They know they’ll be backstabbed, but they also know they’ll eventually be friends again.

Some people work that way, but I don’t. A true friend will never hurt your feelings on purpose, even in a time of anger and desperation. And even after you’re not friends anymore, they’ll still be concerned about you. They’ll still secretly check in every now and then, and wonder how you’re doing, and hope you’re doing well.

They’ll look back on your friendship without regret. They might wish things turned out differently. They might be upset with decisions that were made from either party.

But they will never. Ever. Regret being your friend. And they’ll never. Ever. Want to hurt you.

Maybe my standards are set too high. I’m lucky, then, that I found even one person like this. Who knew I’d find four?

My head hurts and my eyes can’t even completely focus on the screen as I type this

Somehow I come back from each trip with the kandy krew with something different. After the New York trip, I came back with a greater understanding of myself, and my needs. I realized that I didn’t need to be associated with negative people. That I didn’t need to fix anyone, and that there were people out there like me. Positive, healthy people to be friends with. And so in the months following, a lot of negative people left my life. I feel healthier.

And now, after my trip to Canada, I’ve learned something new. Going to Canada was my first real trip, without my parents, and my first trip to another country. I got to see what it was -really- like to -live- with the krew. To be on my own. I loved it. I’ve grown an even greater intolerance of my life as it is now. It’s nice being comfortable, but also incredibly boring. I’ve been mopey the past few days just wanting something more. Moving out and living with vlogcandy has never seemed so real and so possible. I want it more than anything.

I’m going to have to do a lot of things I don’t want to. It’s going to suck, but I know there’s still things I need to learn before I can make that decision.

In the meantime, I’m planning on visiting zack in april and VC is going to california in the summer. More steps I have to take. I’m ready.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been working on this for my printmaking class but I haven’t really posted it anywhere. The assignment is to make a print that covers 3 blocks, with a head on the top, torso in the middle, and legs on the bottom, separated so that they can be switched around with other peoples’ blocks and make a sort of Exquisite Corpse. Here it is from start to where I am now:

First I drew him out the same size as each block

Then I traced the drawing onto tracing paper (not shown here), flipped that over, and traced it AGAIN onto transfer paper on top of my 3 blocks (the blue is the transfer drawing)

Carved out the head, and then the body. I made a lot of mistake here as the wood splinters really easily, but just had to work around each mistake

And this is what I have so far. The arms are kinda short and the legs are kinda long, but I think once I carve in the hands and the feet it’ll look a bit better. I need 4 prints and I only have 2 classes left. I think if I finish the carving today I’ll be able to do all of it on time

Haven’t posted in a while. Some not so kewl things happened yesterday.

I tried to apply for a student loan with Chase, and it turns out chase doesn’t do student loans with SVA anymore. So I applied for one with PNC, and I was “conditionally approved”. The condition was that I have tax information or employment history. I don’t. So that loan went out the window when I was so sure I was getting it. Then I applied for a Sallie Mae loan and right from the start they said I’d need a cosigner.

Misinformed, again. If I had known I’d need tax information or employment history I would’ve started working months ago. It’s probably my own fault for not knowing, but I swear that not a single place I looked into said anything about it. This was seriously all I’ve read: “Reasons why you may need a cosigner; 1. Most students don’t have a credit history, and a cosigner will give you a greater chance of getting a loan, 2. Having a cosigner may get you a lower interest rate”. That’s it. Nothing about taxes or anything.

So I have two options. One is to convince my parents to cosign within the next 2 or 3 days (as my tuition needs to be paid december 1st, haaaa) or work for the next 6 months and hopefully get a loan for fall 2010. Hopefully when I bring up the possibility of getting a legal contract with my parents stating that no matter what, I’ll pay off the loan, it’ll change their minds. I just feel like I’m wasting so much time. I don’t want to be a 21 year old freshman.

I actually have faith in myself, and my skill. I’d just like to be given the chance to develop it, and at this point it’s like the world is stopping me. I don’t mind having debt for the rest of my life if it means getting a good education, being surrounded by other artists, and having a lot of new opportunities I wouldn’t have otherwise. It’s funny, I WANT debt, and I can’t have it.

On the bright side, again, if I don’t go to SVA, my life isn’t over. I’m convinced (mostly by zack, who brought this up) that the entire kandy krew is destined for bigger and better things. We’ve done so many things that people twice our age haven’t had the opportunity to do. We are very, very lucky, and I don’t know who else to thank but the hypothetical God in the sky.

Just not right now, because I can’t get a loan XD You stink hypothetical God.

So I’m TRYING to stay positive and hopefully something good will come out of this. Wish me luck.

(Also, while this is a public blog, it IS kind of a diary. All of the things I’m typing about are really really important to me, so if you disagree and have something more antagonistic than constructive to say, please keep it to yourself.)

Really happy with my VC video this week

Things are coming together for winter plans and college and stuff. A lot of decisions will be made this month. I wouldn’t want to miss these next two months entirely, however I know that there’s going to be and has been a lot of filler. Wouldn’t mind hopping around to the days where it’s actually worth going to class or something kewl happens. So I guess I’m saying that I’m just really excited for December, aaand not so excited for anything up until then.

Except Halloween! I don’t think I’ve talked about it anywhere yet, but me and Aubrey are going for the second year in a row as main character girl + anthropomorphic side character. Aubrey’s going to be Alice and I’m going to be the White Rabbit We ordered wigs and bought the purrrfect clothing for our costumes, now all I need to do is make my ears and Aubrey needs to tailor her dress a bit.

IT’S FUNNA ROCK!

There’s something weirdly nostalgic about being sick. I haven’t been sick for a really long time, and now that I am it’s reminding me of so many things. I’m mostly remembering being sick in elementary school. Staying home all day in my PJs watching Nick Jr. when I was just starting to grow too old for it.

Being sick isn’t only making me feel nostalgic, though. It’s making me feel WEIRD. I can’t really explain it. I think it’s just so many memories coming back to me at once that I simply feel weird. I guess I’m just thinking about my past a lot in general.

I’m finally getting better though. I feel like I’ll be near 100% by tomorrow.

Another thing to be nostalgic about is Autumn. Sometimes I feel like I’m forcing myself to say “Autumn” by the way, and it’s because most of my life I’ve said “Fall”. “Autumn” is much prettier though.

But anyway, it’s not the typical Autumn things that are making me nostalgic either. It’s not being cold or seeing leaves falling or anything like that. It’s just that the weather has become cool enough on a few select days that I can turn off my air conditioner, and listen to the wind blowing through the trees at night. It’s beautiful, for some reason.

Lastly and having nothing to do with the rest of this entry, I realized I have a secret list of phrases in my head that make me really happy and I don’t know why. You’re going to think I’m weird;

Prince Cake

Royal Jelly

An Exquisite Corpse

There’s probably more but I can’t remember. My list will continue to grow and I will keep you all updated as I’m sure you’re interested. Also I’ve been saying “Oh my gourd” recently and I didn’t know why until I heard it on Chowder.

Good gourd. I wish all my friends had blogs that weren’t just pictures.